


feeling oddly vulnerable in this pitch black place, exposed.

by ironicallyinternational



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Gen, Sadstuck, juju fic, mostly weird introspective thoughts, vague humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-26 16:10:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3856873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironicallyinternational/pseuds/ironicallyinternational
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A pointless fic about the Beta kids after they get sucked into the house. Life is unfair.</p>
<p>"He can’t feel his limbs, his body, can’t see anythong beyond a faint blue glow that reassures him that he’s still there. He feels as though he cannot use his voice.<br/>For a moment, he simply exists.<br/>Then he remembers, and everything becomes more painful."</p>
<p>(aka everyone is deeply unhappy and dave is especially broken)</p>
            </blockquote>





	feeling oddly vulnerable in this pitch black place, exposed.

**Author's Note:**

> My reasoning went like this:  
> \- "Hey, don't forget you have two requests in your inbox and like three other fics to upload!"  
> -"Yeah, OK, but what if instead I wrote a rambling, strange, introspective fic about the kids in the juju and how they're majorly messed up?"  
> -"...that is a terrible idea."  
> -"Hey, let's put Dave in the most pain and throw in some davekat angst too!"  
> -"Everything you write will literally be disproved in, like, a week."  
> -"Okay! Let's do this!"

i.

John feels himself exist in a way he didn’t before.

He’s not so much John as he is Heir of Breath- he is there, lowly thrumming with life, trapped in a dark, endless night.

He can’t feel his limbs, his body, can’t see anythong beyond a faint blue glow that reassures him that he’s still there.

He feels as though he cannot use his voice. For a moment, he simply exists.

Then he remembers, and everything becomes more painful.

His chest (is there still a chest ?) constricts at the thought of his friends, and the oh-so little time he’d seen them (Vriska Karkat even Terezi) and their families, still so foreign (Jane most of all, dear nan of his, and then all the rest). It’s Roxy’s absence that pains him the most- the only one to have seen what he saw, a new friend never able to turn into a good one.

He wishes he could have told her, perhaps, that he’s not sure he likes her that way. He’s not sure, frankly, he will ever like anyone that way, but if he did, then... He figures it’s not really the time for that train of thought.

There’s a strange helpless feeling coursing through him. He feels bone tired, too old for his body, uncaring.

It’s a strange apathy, a numb sort of ache that he’s not used to. He misses his father, suddenly.

He’s changed, he thinks, since the start of the game. A lot, even.

God Tier, perhaps, changes people- or maybe it just brings out their core.

John’s not sure what he is these days. He is so much more powerful nowadays, knows so much and yet too little. It feels almost painful, here, alone- the ancient pulse of Breath and the calling of the Heir, whispering things he cannot understand.

Oh, he is smarter, wiser, stronger. More broken. He wonders if they’ll ever be OK, if they make it through the game.

It hurts, now, the deaths he hasn’t known and the deaths he’s seen, of so many other Johns and of so many people he loves.

They jolt him out of his haze. John has been through things that could have destroyed another, and left him far from unscathed (oh, indeed), but he thinks (knows) that his friends have been through worse.

His fists (he has fists now, it seems) clench without his accord, grounding him ever so slightly.

It is Rose he thinks of first, with her Mom to echo his Dad. He thinks of her lonely house, and her fierce love for her mother, and of the deep, dark thoughts she’d always chased until she took one step too many and let them catch her. He thinks of the grim and dark and all-knowing things she will always carry like a wound inside of her brain, thinks of her fiery rage and her desolate mourning. He thinks of a thirteen year old girl with guilt like a torch, offering herself to all-consuming Death, facing the apocalypse side-by-side with a brother she’d only just found. A Seer of Light, with a vision that stretches eternal, and yet. He thinks, then, of a Seer of Light having her light seeped by the Thief, of three years he has missed and will not regain. He thinks of Roxy and their bitter-sweet joy. He thinks of Rose.

His sister comes to him next, Jade with her solitude and isolation and bright smile, on an island far away from the rest of the world. Jade, too, is separate from the rest of the world. He thinks of Jadesprite and the weakness she held, thinks of Jade’s crumbling optimism, thinks of Bec and all the power she has. He and Rose, with all their shared sight and strength, will never understand what ancient forces flow through the Witch of Space, with her immesurable might and her unbearable knowledge. He is glad, often, that he is neither Witch nor Seer. He does not seek their wisdom. He thinks of Jade, taken from her lonely childhood and plunged into the chaos, rewarded only with three long years of hurt and guilt and seclusion. He thinks of the terrible twisted magnificence that wanted her, and thinks, guiltily, that maybe she would have been happier with the Condesce. He thinks of Jake, and wonders if he would have answers. He thinks of Jade.

Dave is what John thinks of next, with the word family tasting like Bro and bruises on his tongue, insecurity beaten into him far deeper than the blows ever went. Dave, for all that he is probably the most stable of them all, started off a childhood’s worth more fragile than them. He thinks of Dave, who never believes (never will) that he his good enough, that he is better than that, with his facades and ironies and ramblings. He thinks of Dave’s constant calm, thinly spread out over a volcanic nature. He thinks of Dave, trying desperately to be the hero he doesn’t believe he will ever become. He thinks of all the dead ones, of the deep-set guilt added into his repertoire. He thinks of Dave, too old for a thirteen year old, a suicide like a sacrifice, waiting for the end (he wonders if there’s any way he won’t end up a martyr). He thinks of the Knight of Time, who is dauntless in a way befitting the knights of old, and substantial on a whole different scale of power (Time is such a tricky thing, after all). He thinks of Dirk and Roxy and old wounds that don’t heal. He thinks of three years and Karkat and isn’t sure. He thinks of Dave.

He thinks of them, and his heart aches so fiercely that it breaks, and it hurts so badly that the bubble of apathy he’d been in lets him go, and his resolve returns, and he finds himself soaring once again, blue light illuminating the darkness all around him.

John Egbert takes a step forwards, and the Heir of Breath rises upwards.

 

ii.

He calls.

He shouts and shouts and reaches, searching for a sign, a sound, a feeling.

He finds Jade first, because she is calling his name right back.

He grabs onto it, the calling, the _JohnRoseDaveJohnRoseDave_ he’s not sure he’s really hearing but he knows he feels.

He grabs onto it and he tugs.

Jade tugs back.

He follows it until he can _feel_ her, instead, a dark swirl of green to join his own breath of blue.

Then he calls : « JADE ! » loudly, and she runs to him.

He’s not sure he sees her, as a girl, but he knows when she hugs him tightly, and although he cannot seem to look at her entirely, he catches her eyes and then her relieved smile and her dark hands holding his.

« Thank God. » Jade says, and it sounds like « You’re here. »

Then she starts crying, She is crying about three eternal years, of mourning and fear, of never knowing if her confinement would truly end. John has not cried yet, but he feels like crying now.

Jade has changed a lot from who she was, but she is still Jade. The Witch of Space lets her cry, lets her cry about the immensity of it all and of the insignificant little things that matter to Jade Harley.

John is one of them.

The pain he felt resurfaces, the guilt all the more strong.

« Jade, » he tries, but there are no words to say it.

His sister cries harder, angrily, at herself and at him, at the universe.

« I am so, so sorry. »

She inhales sharply, deeply, the tears stopping.

John can see her hands clearly, gripping his sleeves.

« If you ever leave me again, » Jade Harley tells him, « I will never forgive you. »

It is a silly statement, full of a blame that shouldn’t be his to take, and of a promise that he should not make.

« I wouldn’t forgive me _now_. » John says earnestly, and she laughs.

He thinks of three long years alone, and knows he would not have made it through them. He does not think anyone but Jade could.

They stand, somehow, gripping each other.

« We should find the others. » Jade says, and he can make out her face, earnest and tired and so very Jade. She was always pretty, this sister of his, but now she is much more than that. Jade Harley, he thinks, is beautiful inside and out. He tells her so, feeling oddly vulnerable in this pitch black place, exposed.

She smiles at that, eyes soft and lightly amused.

« You haven’t shaped up too badly either. »

It sounds more like Jade and John, that, more like the teenagers they should be.

John smiles back, letting the Heir catch a breath. It’s a strange place, made for strange things. For a moment, John does not want to be a strange thing.

Jade grabs his hand, and they turn, in some direction.

« How long do think we’ve been here ? »

Jade muses. « Forever. A second. »

It makes more sense than it should. Perhaps their Knight of Time would know.

They start searching once more, hand in hand and voices mingled.

 

iii.

He knows he’s spent a little eternity thinking, and another one looking for Jade and with her, but he’s certain that it takes longer to chase Rose.

They are wandering through nothingness, calling with voices and heart alike, but no one is calling their names back. John feels a pang of fear start to tug at him.

Jade stills, ears twitching.

« She’s here. »

« She is ? »

« She’s calling, can’t you hear ? » She says _hear_ and means _feel_. Voices aren’t quite the same here.

John tries to reach out, but does not find his name in the tangled inky haze.

« She’s not calling for us, dummy. » Jade tells him, and almost immediately he finds Rose.

She is reaching for them too, faintly, but she knows they are here _somewhere_. Rose is looking for people who _aren’t_.

They grab onto her _KanayaRoxyKanayaMom_ , although it stings.

Rose hurts, but she shines towards them until they can feel her there, bright against her own shadows.

« Oh, _Rose_. » Jade says, and then drops John’s hand to grab her.

John stands aside, ashamed. He recalls his friendship with Dave, wonders if he’d ever even considered that the girls would feel the same about each other. He and Dave had time to talk before the fight, at least. Jade and Rose barely saw each other.

Rose does not cry, but she shakes and grips Jade tightly, very tightly.

« I’m sorry, » she manages, and John feels like shaking her until she isn’t, « You both know I love you three to the very ends of this accursed place, I just -»

Jade hushes her, holds her tightly as she turns erratic, threatening to spill out into a Light with no Seer to hold it.

« I wanted to meet her, and I wanted to be there with her, and everytime something happens and I can’t ever tell her all the things -» Rose says, sounding terribly like Roxy. « And I love Kanaya so much, and I don’t even know if she’g going to make it, and what if I never see them both -»

She does not sound like Rose, but rather more like a frightened teenager, and it scares John too, so he moves closer and hugs them both.

They stay there, _floatingstandingbreathingshining_ and existing, until Rose stops shaking.

The Seer of Light holds her for a moment, eyes brilliant and gaze painful, and then they merge back into the mystery that is Rose Lalonde.

« We’ll be OK, » Jade says, and means it.

Rose smiles, crookedly, in that way only Seers are allowed to do, and for a moment John can see her very clearly, all of her, light hair and dark eyes and elegant hands.

« I missed you both terribly, you know. »

Her tone is steady, but it turns faintly worried when she turns to Jade. « I’m so sorry for what happened, Jade, I can’t imagine what it must have been like. »

Jade waves away her concerns- she’s had her moment already, an eternity of tears, and it is forgiven now. Jade Harley is amazing.

« I confess, » Rose continues, tone turning bitter, « That we had some troubles during our journey. Vriska, I am afraid, has left us all rather shaken. »

She pauses. « And yet, I would rather face a thousand of those than do it alone. »

Jade frowns, now, but not for her own troubles. « Vriska, as I have thought from the start, is kind of a bitch. »

John chokes on his own startled laugh, and Rose snickers.

« I will personally congratulate Kanaya on punching her off a cliff next time I see her. » Jade continues, rather pointedly.

Rose holds her gaze and smiles.

Their reassurances will only last so long, John knows. An eternity of this place will break them sooner or later. For the moment, their laughter is but a brittle cover for their worries, caused by the relief of finding each other.

He’ll be damned if he doesn’t try to make it last as long as he can.

« Hey, don’t I get congratulations for punching her either ? » John asks, mock-offended. He likes Vriska, now, kind of, but still.

The girls spare him half a glance before they laugh in unison. « No. »

« You, my dear John, also considered dating her for a very long time. Your poor judgment does not count in your favour. » Rose says, slyly. Jade giggles, and John can’t help but join in.

Their laughter echoes back at them, three voices intertwined, one rather conspicuously missing.

« Dave -» John starts, and the other two nod.

Jade puts herself between them, clasps their hands firmly.

« Let’s find our knight in shining armor. »

 

iv.

This time, the search feels longer than both Rose’s and Jade’s combined. A sombre mood settles rather quickly, a pulse of worry coursing through them all.

Dave is not calling anyone’s name at all.

The only thing they find is their own search thrown back at them.

Rose’s brows are furrowed, Jade’s mouth pulled into a twist. John’s chest constricts.

They search, and search, silent bar their shouts, the laughter from earlier forgotten.

What happens to a Knight of Time in a timeless place ? John doesn’t know. He’s not sure he wants to.

He’s unsure if it is his own fear and guilt he feels, or if it is all of theirs, shared worry in their laced fingers.

« Ah. » says Rose. She stops. « Listen. »

Jade and John look at each other, quickly, then reach out, fighting to find something.

« Can’t you feel it ? » Rose says. Her composure feels fragile again, her free hand (hand ?) coming up to her mouth.

« Oh ! » Jade says, reeling back suddenly. Then, in a way that makes John feel sick : « Oh, _Dave_. »

She says his name like he’s a dead man.

« What ? » John almost shouts, panic flowing through him.

« He’s so _angry_. » Jade whispers. It feels like it’s the tip of an iceberg, but John grits his teeth and goes with it, looking.

Next to the Seer of Light and the Witch of Space, he feels foolish .

It hits him hard when he finds it, the bright, candy red throbbing of explosive anger and hurt that is hitting out blindly.

« Dave ? » he says, dazedly, then grabs on tight.

He understands the girls’ struggle, now- it doesn’t want to be held, this feeling, pushing them away as they try to follow it. Still, underneath it lies a stream of worry with their names in it, and beaten and bruised they latch on and pull.

When they finally come close, they are faced by a wall they cannot break down.

For a moment, none of them make a sound.

« Has he frozen time ? » John asks, whispers almost, like he’s scared Dave will hear.

It’s not quite that, of course, but Rose and Jade both nod, Rose’s hands resting on the barrier they cannot see but can feel.

Her brother, an angry flashing red, sits inside this bubble, and is very much more _Dave_ than the others were Jade and Rose when he found them.

It’s like Dave sent the Knight off to barricade him in, so that he could stay alone, curled over like he’s crying. He’s not, though, although he’s clutching his head in his hands.

He is a blur of stillness, coupled with a feeling John can only describe as someone punching a wall until their knuckles bleed.

This Dave feels like a stranger.

« DAVE ! » Rose cries out, suddenly, more desperate than she’d probably intended.

Dave hears her, probably before she'd even spoken, shakes his head rapidly, in a robotic « no no no no » that should reassure John but instead frightens him.

« Dave, please ! » Rose says next, before Jade cries out in turn. « It won’t help, Dave ! I know it hurts, I know it does, just don’t shut us out ! »

Dave is shaking.

John just stares, crestfallen, silent.

« SHUT UP ! » Dave screams, a blow that almost sends them flying backwards. « SHUT _UP_ ! »

«NO ! » Rose shouts, banging on this shield he’s built, slamming her fists down in bursts of light, an anger in the gesture that stems from her fear. « You can’t shut us out now ! You can’t do this to me now, Strider, _get a grip_ ! »

« It’s not FAIR ! » Dave practically roars, head shooting up briefly, eyes a glowing red that makes it look like they’re bleeding. « YOU CAN’T HELP- I DON’T WANT TO BE HELPED, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ? »

Rose seethes, silent, incapable of putting into words the millions of things she wants to say.

« Dave, I know it’s horrible.» Jade says, a force of nature, sure and strong. « Listen to me- you’ll only make it worse if you do this. The only way we have of trying to make this OK is sticking together. »

Her voice cracks a bit when she speaks again. « We understand, OK ? »

Dave surges up, a thousand Daves shouting incomprehensibly when he suddenly appears mere centimeters away. He looks like he’s cracking apart, shaking with the effort of trying to keep it in, whatever « it » may be.

« _You don’t understand_. » he hisses. « You don’t understand AT ALL ! »

His voice sky-rockets as he breaks apart, as if the entire darkness is screaming with him.

« I NEVER GET TO FIX ANYTHING ! I’VE BARELY EVEN SEEN DIRK AND I CAN’T MAKE ANYTHING RIGHT OR TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHY THE HELL MY OWN BRO HAD TO COMPLETELY FUCK ME UP ! I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET OVER MY OWN STUPID ISSUES BECAUSE I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FACE THEIR ROOT ! WHAT KIND OF USE IS A KNIGHT OF TIME WHEN THERE’S NO TIME, JADE ? WHAT KIND OF USE IS A _KNIGHT_ WHEN HE COMPLETELY FAILS TO PROTECT THOSE CLOSEST TO HIM ? _VRISKA SERKET_ IS MORE GOD-DAMN HEROIC THAN I WILL EVER BE ! AND NOW WE’RE STUCK HERE-»

« Dave, it wasn’t your fault we ended up here ! » John shouts back, horrified, with all the volume he can muster.

« WHOSE WAS IT ? YOURS ? OH, YEAH, THE GUY FROM ANOTHER TIMELINE WHO PREVENTED US ALL FROM DYING ! OH, MAYBE IT’S JADE ! IT’S NOT LIKE SHE WAS BRAINWASHED BY THE CONDESCE AND THEN KNOCKED OUT BY VRISKA ! HEY, WHAT ABOUT ROSE ? SHE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN OVER HER MOM’S DEATH AND SUBSEQUENT REGENERATION MUCH FASTER ! » Dave is almost glitching now, hysteria overtaking him as hie eyes go from red to white to normal, red fizzing around him like lightning. John thinks he’s crying, but he’s pretty sure he himself is also crying.

« I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF THE OTHERS ARE STILL ALIVE , OR IF I LET THEM DIE TOO ! DIRK AND ROXY AND JANE AND JAKE COULD ALL BE- AND I DIDN’T EVEN- AND THE TROLLS ARE PROBABLY DEAD IN A DITCH OR SOMETHING AND I NEVER EVEN GOT TO TELL KARKAT-» Dave’s voice cracks, in the most terrible way, and the glitching stops.

He stares back at them, quiet. His arms drop.

Dreadful silence settles around them.

« I never even- got to tell him -» Dave manages, face contorted in misery. As the barriers fade, John can almost _see_ the Knight resurfacing in him, making him look so much older and so much more broken.

Rose surges forwards, fearless, and holds him to her as he falls, finally.

She holds him, tightly, crying into his hair as he sobs almost silently into her shoulder. She holds him like she’s never letting go, like she wants to steal his sorrows and burn them away.

John wonders how much sorrow they share between the four of them, how desperate and angry they are.

Jade reaches up, startling him, wiping his tears away.

He buries his face in her neck as she moves them forwards, both of them silent and still.

It feels like sacrilege to interrupt them now, the Strilondes with their pale hair and odd eyes and immesurable hidden depths, as Rose cards her fingers through his hair and Dave slowly grows less blurred. And yet, they do, quietly, Jade resting her chin on Rose’s other shoulder and placing her hand on Dave’s arm where it grips Rose’s dress.

John watches them for a moment, this family of his, and loves them fiercely. For a moment, he understands that « cry of infinite hatred » or whatever Karkat talks about, his entire self turning poisonous with a hatred for everything that’s ever harmed them.

He lets it be, for a moment, and then shakes it off, firmly.

The moment is over. John can only have so many, after all.

 

v.

He flings his arms around whoever is the closest, although he aims for Dave most of all. And then, because he knows it wil make Dave laugh, he whispers : « No homo, though. »

Dave gives a watery laugh, then breathes out a stream of positively vile curses.

« Wow, yeah, Karkat really has been rubbing off on you. » John risks, praying to the high gods that he isn’t about to ruin their friendship.

Dave makes a noise like he was trying to laugh but couldn’t quite manage it.

« That’s not the only part that’s been rubbing off on him, wink wink nudge nudge. » Jade says, a spark of laughter in her voice.

Now Dave and Rose both snicker, as John feels his face turn warm. « Jade ! »

Dave laughs outright at his scandalized tone, and lifts his head slightly from Rose’s shoulder to throw him a thankful glance.

A number of thoughts enter his head at the same moment. « Wow, your eyes are super neat, I just registered that- Woah, wait a second, can someone please tell me why all the nerds I used to call my friends have become, like, super hot in the three years I haven’t seen them ? This hardly seems fair. »

The group breaks apart, all laughing at him. John should feel more insulted. Instead, he feels faintly embarrassed and very relieved.

« Watch out, John, you’re edging dangerously away from your non-homosexuality. » Jade says, snickering.

Rose raises an infuriating eyebrow, eyeing him in a transparently analytical way.

« Well, you haven’t turned out too badly yourself, if it helps. » Dave says, grinning in a way that’s almost reassuring.

« You guys sound just like each other. This sucks. » John complains, as Dave raises a fist for an obligatory fist-bump.

Jade obliges. Rose pats John on the back.

Her reassurances are, as always, dripping with sarcasm : « I do commend you on your excellent taste, John. Apart from a disastrous choice in your early Sburb days, that is. »

« Finding people aesthetically pleasing is not the same thing as- besides, I hadn’t even seen Vriska when I had a crush on her ! » John protests. He turns to Dave, whose expression of light amusement is very Lalondian. « Help a bro out here ? »

Dave shrugs lazily. « Hey, don’t ask me. I think we’ve established I have terrible taste in crushes. »

« Now, now. Let’s not be harsh. Terezi is very pretty, albeit rather terrifying and alien. » Rose sermons.

« Shut up, you useless lesbian. » Dave tells her, lips twitching.

Jade howls with laughter as Rose splutters. John’s not sure if she’s about to cry at their stupidity or laugh.

« Wait, Rose- you’re -» John asks. He’d understood her and Kanaya, but it had only registered now that she was, in fact-

« Indeed. » Rose says, probably delighted at his awkwardness.

« John, seriously, she looks at Kanaya in a way that makes rainbows glow behind them. » Dave points out, before he’s even able to talk.

« Yes, well, at least I haven’t physically walked into a wall because I was too distracted by certain aliens with a penchant for rom-coms. » Rose snips.

Jade’s head swivels towards Dave like an over-eager puppy, ears twitching.

Dave raises his eyebrows, looking supremely offended and supremely uncaring at the same time. His light skin betrays him, though- his ears turn a faint red.

« Lalonde ? » Dave says, politely. « Please shut the fuck up. »

There’s an underlying hurt to both of them that John can feel strongly. Dave in particular is edgy, constantly drifting around his breaking point. If both of them can tease about it, though, well, he figures they know each other’s weaknesses better than he does.

« Of course, brother dearest. » Rose says sweetly.

« GUYS ! » John exclaims, before they enter a supremely passive-aggressive battle of wits.

They turn in unison, both trying to stop themselves from smiling. John forgets what he was going to say in favour of grinning back.

This, here, is what makes him feel like he can fix things, because though it is feeble and unstable, he can make this comraderie happen, these smiles and jokes that feel almost natural, although they are far from it. Because although they all have to work over their issues, tripping over broken shards and twisted things, even the act of trying grounds them a bit, binds them together.

He breathes out, both Heir of Breath and John Egbert, and feels more together than he’d been since arriving here.

« I missed you guys. » John tells them, and though they are tired and scared and broken and trapped, he thinks they’ll be OK. They always are.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone reads this, I am deeply curious as to what they thought. If you're here for actual davekat, rest assured that my next uploads will be just that.  
> Apologies for the weird brackets, I typed this on my shitty french keyboard and Word refused to let me switch to english.  
> As always, prompts are welcome on quidfree @ tumblr.


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